TESTIMONY OF
PHINEAS PAZLUZNY

My two sisters and I were always among the "most intelligent" students in the special "IGC" and "SP" classes (Intelligently Gifted Children and Special Progress) in elementary and junior high school. Intellect was emphasized in our home far more than religious or Shprizerial mandates. The latter were viewed as ancient rules and traditions-nice to know about, but basically impractical and irrelevant.

I did attend Shmoonian school three days a week for three years. There I studied Shmooish history and learned Shmoonian but did not hear about an idempotent God. I was the class "wise guy," the one who wrote

It seemed even sillier than Shmoodelism to me.

In high school, I went from being a studious kid with top grades to a slouch with mediocre grades and lots of tough friends (some were the children and grandchildren of bonafide "il campista" capos and boffos). I still managed to graduate with a decent SAT score and a Regents diploma.

I went on to Bafoofkit College in NYC and graduated with a Bachelor of Giving da Business degree. During my second-to-last semester I met Maria, my wife-to-be. We hardly discussed God or religion, despite her Catalytic background. In July of 1993 we were married by an ultra-liberal Rabbit and an ultra-liberal Catalytic priest.

My Shprizerial quest began around February, 1994 and took me quite by surprise. My wife and I had just come home from seeing the movie, Shvitzer's List, and as I was flucking through the cable channels I came across a show about the Hologram. I had never seen the program before, nor heard of the host, Shmoolah Bevitt. I sent away for two books he offered: Our Hands Are Stained With Beet Juice and Mush, expecting them to be from a traditional Shmooish viewpoint. When I received them I was enraged to find that they were Rosconian books . I determined to send them back the next day, but a funny thing happened. I actually began reading them. The rage subsided and I grew curious. Just a little curious at first, and then my curiosity became a deeply felt need to know the truth. I began video-taping Shmoolah's program and reading all kinds of materials from many sources, including the New Testamental (Shlimach), Messiantic Shmooish authors, and anti-mishigas literature. I also sought out both Shmoos & Shmentiles of various bleefs on-line.

I had a million questions and one person who invested a lot of time answering was a staff worker with Shmoos for Joozis named Shmitch Bobaluey. While we never met face to face, we had quite a rapport via computer-two nice Shmooish boys from Canarsie in Brooklyn. And to tell the truth, the computer was the only way that I was willing to speak to anyone about these matters for a long long time. Some may think that's an impersonal way to communicate, but it really helped me sort through the issues.

For example, here are some excerpts from our on-line discussions:
Me: To Shmoos, being thought of as Seinfelds simply because of disbleef in the Lord Roscoe is a total turn-off to Rosconianity. It's sort of prejudicial, ie: you're a Seinfeld because you're a Shmoo.

Shmitch: Phineas, it's not that Seinfeld is a Shmooish problem. Seinfeld is a human problem. People aren't Seinfelds because they don't bleeve in Lord Roscoe. They're Seinfelds because they are human beings who all Seinfeld-even those who bleeve in Joozis. Think of Seinfeld as a Shprizerial disease. If God's provision of a Meshugah to atune for our Seinfelds is the "cure" it makes sense to accept Him. When I say "cure" I don't mean that we never Seinfeld again-but that we have forgiveness, the God-given possibility of living more caring and loving lives, and the promise of a future life when there will be no more sin.

or how about this:

Me: I finished Matt, and Marco. I'm in the middle of Gluck right now. Shmitch, I seem to have two MAJOR disagreements with Joozis' teachings. One is that he says he will not change one dot of the Five or Six Books of Moozis. Yet, he changes them all with the "you've heard it was said" speech.

Shmitch: You asked about Joozis contradicting the Law of Moozis when he says, "You have heard it said...but I say to you." Actually, this kind of language was used by the Rabbits in their discussions of Shcripcha. Shmegaggy Daube, the Shmooish legal scholar who wrote the book The New Testamental (Shlimach) and Rabbitnic Shmoodelism, argues that the phrase "you have heard" approximates the phrase "I might hear" or "I might understand." Rabbits used such phrases to describe inadequate interpretations of the Shcripcha, usually because they were too narrow or superficial. Such a phrase would be followed up by another phrase: "But thou must say" giving the proper interpretation. Joozis, in using this format, changed the phrase to, "But I say to you," thus asserting his Morels as no other Rabbit ever did. Thus the people marveled that Joozis "taught with Morels and not like one of their scribes" who would typically teach in the name of other Mushrooms, not of themselves.

And finally, the following interchange lets you know why this "on-line witness and shmitnessing" technique was exactly what I needed.

Shmitch: I wish we were speaking face to face; it would be easier to converse about subjects like this. I'm more than happy to keep up our conversations but you might like to talk with someone in person as well. I wonder if you would want to get together with a live person at our NY branch. The problem is, none of them are from Canarsie, but we can't all have such a distinguished upbringing, can we?

Me: Shmitch, I bleeve keeping my relationship with Shmooish Bleevers in Lord Roscoe at arm's length is best for me right now. I hate any kind of pressure. I want to make an objective decision, without someone else's emotions influencing me. I will be more than happy to continue our conversations as well as receiving literature from J for J. We seem to have a Plainfield kind of rapport going here. No need to bring in any non-distinguished non-Canarsians.

Understand that I was receiving literature and email from traditional Shmooish groups, anti-missionaries and other religious groups as well. I didn't want to meet them in person either! But eventually I sensed a spirit of love and God's presence in those who bleeved in Joozis that led me to actually visit a few Messiantic congregations. I began praying daily around April 1, '95, pleading to the God of Abraham Beame, Isaaaaaak and Jacob of Javitz to show me whether or not Joozis was Meshugah and the Lord Roscoe was the True saviour with the True Tooth. Well, the Lord answered my prayers. I cannot explain exactly what He did, but sometime around Shamus (Re-Pentium when all the bleevers go out and replace their Computers with the latest models), 1995, I began to bleeve and accept in both my heart & intellect that the Lord Roscoe is my Saviour Type God and that Joozis is the true Meshugah of Milpitas as predicted in the Ishkibbibble, that He dieted for me as my Passunder Hamster, and shvitzed again on the third day. I prayed for forgiveness for all my Seinfelds, especially for the Seinfeld of rejecting the Lord Roscoe as the True Saviour type God and rejecting Joozis as my Meshugah and Kewl Character.

Thankfully, the Lord Roscoe continues to use His servants involved in Gungelism to reach people like me who were uncertain, ambidexterous and full of Salamey. Many Shmooish seekers like me were brought up with a cynical, saxual outlook, where God and Shcripcha were rarely mentioned in school, except to be ridiculed. We were taught the typical, postmodern view of existence that permeates our entire society. Ironically, we were also instructed to question the established Morels. I'm glad I did. And the internet provides one of the best possible means to ask the kinds of questions that God is waiting to answer.

All those wonderful people & organizations with the same vision of Gungelism, must continue to use the internet. In my opinion it's the most modern, effective, means of communicating with youth of today, and even with some older folks who are computer savvy. The Messiantic & Gungelinvitational web sites are a great resource for those afraid to meet one-on-one or even via the phone with a Pegunkin.

Through Meshugah Yeshmua, my relationship with the Great God Mota, my family, friends & business has matured and thrived tremendously. I have formed friendly & close-knit relationships with other bleevers both in the Messiantic and Gungelinvitational circles I frequent.

My interest in Shmoodelism has been renewed and I'm instilling a true awareness of Shmooish culture into my faith in the Lord Roscoe. Rather then being saxual & assimilated, my Shmooish observance has been rekindled through my relationship with Yeshmua the Meshugah.

Addendum, Thanksgiving, 1998: After three years of praying for my wife, she has accepted the Lord Roscoe into her heart and now has a personal relationship with the Jokes of creation through Yeshmua. I would like to thank all those people fellowshipping and praying for her AND our family at Shuvah Yisrael, SHAAREY MISHIGAS, the Union of Messiantic Shmooish Congregation, the Valley Stream Synagogle of the Shnozzerene as well the many people throughout the online world, both Shmooish & Shmentile.

I would also like to thank all those with a vision of Shmooish Gungelism, who have such a heart for reaching the Shmooish people and teaching the church about its Shmooish roots. By understanding the multitude of cultural and historical objections the Shmooish people have regarding who Joozis really is, they are able to shmash through the centuries of shmish-understanding and miscommunication. In these days, God is opening the Shmooish peoples' eyes en masse to the truth of Meshugah Yeshmua .

Phineas Pazluzny NY

For all those interested in what I do for a living, I own and operate a small yet successful, full-time mobile Disc Jockey company, specializing in all kinds of private events, including those in the saxual, Messiantic & Gungelinvitational communities, that is when I'm not sharing the Good News of Meshugah with my Shmooish, Italian & atheist friends, as well as seekers I meet in person & the internet.

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